1 Mum, 3 Ways
Do I have enough love to go around?
One of the first things I said just moments after finding out I was having twins was, “Poor Charlie.” I was terrified of how the now pending arrival of twins was going to change his life. Since the twins were born we have tried our best to balance the twins’ needs and Charlie’s needs. Yet even so, there have been more than a few moments when my heart has ached. Dividing yourself three ways is not easy. I often feel that no matter which child I am with, I am somehow disappointing one of them and when I am with all three, well… life can be quite chaotic! Quality time doesn’t exactly feel all that “quality.” The kids have settled into a great routine and are generally very well behaved, but there is one thing that ALWAYS sets them off. ME. When I walk into a room both the girls charge for me at lightning speed, pushing and clawing at each other to get to me first. This is then followed by a level 10 meltdown from which ever twin I don’t pick up first. In an attempt to curb this behaviour I try to pick up both at once (destroying my back) or I sit on the floor and embrace them both. Neither of which satisfies them.
My husband is incredibly supportive and we enjoy fantastic times together as a family. But when it comes to me and my relationship with each of my children I am often fraught with anxiety over whether I am getting the balance right. Charlie and I were a team when it was only him. I felt like I was his universe. With the twins I really worry I am missing out. I guess I am yearning for those moments you have as a first time mum, those moments where you feel as if nothing else in the world could make you happier than the moment you have just shared with your baby. With 3 under 3 I have had to learn to have eyes in the back of my head and to juggle about 10 tasks at once. All three kids have learnt that the squeakiest wheel gets the most oil and thus a chorus of chaos often descends upon our household (usually between 5-6 each night!). I am very lucky to have a lot of fantastic help, yet even watching my kids share a beautiful moment with our nanny or their grandparents can stir feelings of jealousy and guilt. I want to be the centre of my children’s universes, but racing around trying to fulfil the needs of three toddlers I rarely feel centred. I look at mother’s that have 4 or more kids and I just can’t help but think…how do they do it? Not the mundane everyday, feeding, fetching,cleaning and carrying but the caring and the loving and the connecting. How do they have enough time, energy and love to feed each of their children’s souls?
In writing this I wanted to be able to tell you I had a plan, that I knew what to do and how to fix this problem, but to be completely honest with you I don’t. I have decided to try to get in a little bit of one on one time with each of the kids at least every week or so and not to feel guilty about it. Beyond that I guess I just have to have faith in the fact that my kids are loved and that at the end of the day, that is what really matters.